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Mark Steel

Mark Steel is a stand-up comedian, radio presenter and Independent columnist. He enjoys writing his column because no one ever takes it literally.

Let*s blame the care homes 每 for following government advice

They did it themselves, the idiots. They probably served up bowls of coronavirus instead of custard, and told residents if they had a tickly cough, they should relax in the bath while cuddling an electric fire

Lockdown is now based on our cravings 每 so let's go down the pub

I*m sure everyone will stick closely to the rules that no one is sure of. Even if they don*t, managers are planning with the utmost care, one even has plans to &see how it goes*

Now*s no time for hard questions about Covid-19, it seems

If the British media had been at a press conference on the Titanic as it began to sink, they*d have told the captain: &Obviously you have my full support while we drown, but if I*d survived, I*d have asked you whether you could have prevented us from drowning*

We might as well use a lottery draw for updates on coronavirus figures

There are so few people tested, the numbers given each night for the rate of infections seem meaningless. They might as well make them entertaining